How Are You?

This question is asked all the time and often the answer people give is a lie. Yeah I know that is a horrible way to look at it but it is so so true. I constantly answer this question with a lie. There is the easy response: "fine" or "good" then there is the excuse response: "I'm super tired" or "I'm crazy busy." I use these responses all the time. I have only told one person what I am about to say but I really am not fine most of the time. I try to be a bubbly person when on the inside I hate myself. I know that is a super stupid thing to say but I don't love myself. I will say or do one stupid thing and fixate on that one stupid thing; I will beat myself up about whatever I did and the only way I feel like I can get out of this spiral is to hurt myself. The entire time I have been in college I have said that my high school friends were bad but I have yet to actually tell anyone what they did to ruin my self esteem so much and I probably will never have the courage to tell anyone. I could tell you guys couldn't I? No y'all don't want to hear about that it's a sad story. The point is that my high school friends broke my spirit and it takes a really long time to heal one's spirit.  I will say that I am a lot healthier mentally now than I was my entire senior year of high school. The phrase "I'm fine" means so much but in reality it is just an excuse. I am trying so hard to be honest finally but it is hard because I feel that people won't understand that I get drunk in order to forget what my high school friends and what their opinion of me was. I mean they literally treated me like shit... I guess my roommate treats me the same way but I just accept it because I'm me and I know deep down she likes me... She said I was her only real "girlfriend" so that's good. I just wish she would quot yelling at me because it makes me sad when she yells at me me. ah well I guess that's all for today. I'm sorry...