An Open Letter to My Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

First let me start out by saying that I love y'all with my whole heart and I am so glad y'all raised me the way you did but I need to tell you some things that are really hard to admit to you. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life; I just need your support as I grow and learn. I have really really bad anxiety and I never told you how bad it was until now. This isn't because of you I just didn't want you to worry about me because in your eyes I am so happy. No parent needs to see their child suffer with loving themselves, so I didn't tell you. I'm sorry for not telling you but I stand behind my decision to not tell you. I used to hurt myself but y'all never knew or maybe you did I don’t know. I’m trying so hard to get better... I really am. I want to be the happy person y'all see me as but it’s a process, a very long process. Last night I had a panic attack just because I got rid of the pictures of my high school friends. That isn’t the reaction a person should have when thinking about their high school friends. I don’t know how to get out of toxic relationships. I don’t date because I don’t love myself enough, so please be patient with me about that part of my life. I’ll someone someday but I have to learn to love myself first. I have gotten a lot better about seeing myself in a positive light but now you know why I am so adamant about not talking to guys. I need to focus on myself first. Also, I am a Christian but I don’t like sermons. I'm sorry I just can't focus during them because I feel like I am being lectured/reprimanded and I get very little out of that. I talk to God all the time but I just don't like going to church; you need to understand this. Finally, I am not my brother. I work hard but sometimes I don't know what I am doing. Sometimes I choose to go out instead of studying but it because I am trying to figure out myself. I am also not my sister. Please please please stop comparing me to her. I will never be as perfect and put together as her. Stop favoring her because that makes everything so much worst. She may have her life organized but that doesn't give her a free life pass on normal responsibilities like getting a summer job. I love you guys. You have taught me so much. Thanks for teaching me to laugh at the small things and teaching me that sarcasm is the best way to diffuse the tension. Thank you for always loving me and providing a great life for me. Thank you for trusting me to make my own life choices. 

With all my love, your daughter

New Life View

I had a very serious heart to heart with Gad last night. I am so tired of focusing on the negative so last night I made a pact to focus on the positive. I finally love who I am and no one's opinion should change that.No one's opinion of me should be held in higher regard than my own opinion of myself. Don't get me wrong it was one of the most difficult things for me to learn to accept and love myself but it is so worth it. Find inspiration in something; finding inspiration in something is what helped me so much. I found inspiration in the Harry Potter series.
There is an excerpt from the seventh book that changed the entire series in the most positive way.

“Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears. "After all this time?" "Always," said Snape.”

Always is just a word but in this instant J.K. Rowling was able to shape the entire characterization of Severus Snape; this simple word turned him from a bad guy to a good guy. Phrases and words have a way of doing this. Words can build someone up. Words can break someone down. Words can be a symbol of what people stand for. Words are one of the most powerful weapons people can use.

 Obviously the fact that someone can be viewed in such a negative light then in a moment that opinion is changed is so powerful. So remember to love yourself first... I mean you can find love for yourself through others but remember to think about why people love you and slowly you will find that you agree. Also you are too young to try and not live life to the fullest so let loose, have fun, laugh alot, and don't take anything for granted. The fuller your life is the more stories you will have to tell when you are old and you are looking back on your life.

How Are You?

This question is asked all the time and often the answer people give is a lie. Yeah I know that is a horrible way to look at it but it is so so true. I constantly answer this question with a lie. There is the easy response: "fine" or "good" then there is the excuse response: "I'm super tired" or "I'm crazy busy." I use these responses all the time. I have only told one person what I am about to say but I really am not fine most of the time. I try to be a bubbly person when on the inside I hate myself. I know that is a super stupid thing to say but I don't love myself. I will say or do one stupid thing and fixate on that one stupid thing; I will beat myself up about whatever I did and the only way I feel like I can get out of this spiral is to hurt myself. The entire time I have been in college I have said that my high school friends were bad but I have yet to actually tell anyone what they did to ruin my self esteem so much and I probably will never have the courage to tell anyone. I could tell you guys couldn't I? No y'all don't want to hear about that it's a sad story. The point is that my high school friends broke my spirit and it takes a really long time to heal one's spirit.  I will say that I am a lot healthier mentally now than I was my entire senior year of high school. The phrase "I'm fine" means so much but in reality it is just an excuse. I am trying so hard to be honest finally but it is hard because I feel that people won't understand that I get drunk in order to forget what my high school friends and what their opinion of me was. I mean they literally treated me like shit... I guess my roommate treats me the same way but I just accept it because I'm me and I know deep down she likes me... She said I was her only real "girlfriend" so that's good. I just wish she would quot yelling at me because it makes me sad when she yells at me me. ah well I guess that's all for today. I'm sorry...

What is Love?

If I am speaking in complete honesty I do not know what love is. I know love in the sense of loving my family and loving my friends because that love is simple to me. Love in the sense of a relationship is so confusing to me because I have never felt that type of love in my life. I think it is more important to love yourself before loving someone else. Don't get me wrong I love the whole idea of being in a relationship but I also think it might not be for me. Why you ask? I don't think I have the maturity at this time in my life to be in that type of relationship. In order to love someone else in that manner you have to love yourself. So now ending this question out into the void also known as the internet... The other day my mom asked me why I was so adamant to not talk to boys and I did not have an answer. But, I think I finally figured it out. I have never felt like I was worthy of a boy's attention. I am not adamant not to talk to boys I am adamant to avoid rejection. There are so many girls that are prettier than me so why would a boy even notice me? Love is confusing and I'll probably never actually find out what it is because I have a hard time trusting and opening up to people. It's not that I'm not attracted to guys  I am there are definitely boys who I find attractive but I just have never dated anyone and am still in the process of loving myself enough before I date someone.

        Random Side Story from today... it's funny but also I don't really understand... whatever here's the story: ok so my roommate was texting one of her guy friends and apparently he said to say hi to me. I wasn't in the room so my roommate was like I'll let her know then he replied and said he felt bad because he didn't think I knew what boys were. I'm sorry I haven't dated or had sex with anyone. Maybe boys are such mystical creatures that if you haven't had sex woth one of them they no longer exist. Needless to say, I am rather salty about what he said.

Ok back to what I was actually talking about. Love is a very serious feeling to love is to accept something flaws and all without. That's all I have for today much love talk to you again soon.

Panic Attacks

 I have panic attacks and I hate them. When you have a panic attack you feel like you are dying and there is no real way to stop it you kind of just have to wait it out which is the hardest part. Last night I didn’t even realize I was having a panic attack until I was in my bathroom and everything was spinning and I just couldn’t think straight I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I think the weirdest part about it is that my roommate told it was a good thing but it isn’t when I have a panic attack I get all emotional and I hate showing what my true emotions are. I don’t like people knowing how I feel about myself. That’s super personal and I don’t need anyone to know that side of me the side with all my problems the side that is buried so deep inside of that I sometimes forget about it. I hate that side of me. That side of me is the side that says I am worthless that I am not good enough. It is where all my sad thoughts hide in the shadows. I guess it is pretty common for people to hide their emotions but then when a mental breakdown or panic attack happens all those hidden emotions come to the surface like a waterfall and there is no stopping them which sucks. I think I’m having like a perpetual panic attack right now I don’t know what is going on. Maybe I should just admit that I am not ok and I need to be ok with that. I thought had gotten better but apparently not ugh life is no bueno right now I need to take a step back and really focus on myself I don’t think I’m going to eat much this week I think I’ll drink lots of water and start exercising I’m so mentally exhausted  I need rest.