What is Happiness?

You know how girls have stupid low self esteem sometimes... all the time.. we are really good at hiding it. Well I suffer from this stupid thing where I think my opinion or any thought of mine is the most insignificant thing in the entire world and I tear myself up over it. Trust me, it is no fun... at all. Recently, one of my roommate pointed out that anytime she ask me what I wanted to do I would respond with a phrase like "Whatever you want." or "It's up to you." I mean it is not that hard to make a choice about what you want to go do or where you want to go eat, but my brain was convinced I would chose wrong, if that even possible. If there is one thing I have learned about college it is that you will meet people who love you no matter what. Within the past few months of college I have felt more loved and more myself for the first time in years. Obviously my anxiety is still there it will be something I will always struggle with because of the way I was treated in high school. I guess I'll explain that now... My friends in high school did not love me in the way they should have loved someone they said was their friend. It is my belief that they just tolerated my "annoying" presence which is horrible. It's not that my friends in high school meant to be mean to me, I think that when they teased mew they really meant to be funny. Unfortunately, there teasing was really mean I mean like make me want to disappear mean. The friendships I had with them were not healthy at all. They were constantly teasing me when I was being myself and would also act like I was the dumbest person they had ever met when I asked about anything or talked for that matter. I don't think they realized that their words had an affect on me. Now that I am in college I am able to be myself and people still love that version of me. Well I say I am being completely myself but I don't think that will be possible for a long time because I hate showing any emotion except happiness. I once had someone tell me I was the happiest person they knew and I just smiled and laughed it off because I am not that at all. I have crazy low self esteem and am convinced I am going to hell because I try to let people joke around me but I hate when people pick at me. Let me just tell you a story about myself and my roommates. One of my roommates has a horrible habit of thinking she can do whatever she wants and pushes my buttons a lot. In high school I would have just let it happen in silence but I have grown a kind of backbone in college and I hate myself everyday for it. So tonight she was doing her thing and she decided she was thirsty and wanted some water but didn't want to make her own so she decided to drink out of my water and I really don't like sharing drinks with people so I asked her not to and I don't know if she did it out of spite or what but instead of just putting mine down and making her own glass she drank some of mine and thought it was perfectly alright but it wasn't so I not so casually cleaned out my water cup and made a new glass and she kind of made fun of that. So later she did one of the other thing I really dislike which is other people touching my hair, I know super weird of me. So anyway I asked her to stop touching my hair and she continued and kind of pulled it so I asked her again to stop and didn't instead she pulled harder so I told her I would pour water on her if she didn't stop so she did but then I did a completely awful thing and threw a nail polish remover bottle at her and it hit her in the face. I am actually a horrible human being I shouldn't have done that. Why did I do that stupid thing? I feel really bad and so I apologized but I doubt she will forgive me because I am horrible see this is why I hate myself everyday. I am trying to be happier but I do stupid thing and hate myself for doing those stupid things. I will keep working on being happy but for now I am still unhappy in  the strangest way. Needless to say I know happiness but I also don't at all I feel short snippets of happiness but I will not be completely happy for a long long time. That's all for now I'm sorry couldn't help more.

Down the Rabbit Hole I Go

Hello... Let me start out by saying that I am by no means an expert on anything but I am really trying to figure out about myself and the way the world works because I feel thats my first step to being the person I want to be. I have recently decided to jump on the bandwagon so many college students jump on by starting a blog. Honestly, I am not sure what I am going to learn from this blog, or even what I am going to write about but I figured that if I am experiencing so many new things I might as well broadcast my thoughts on the internet. The way I see it, a blog is more of a small peek into my mind; I am able to think things through by writing them down. I'm also not sure who I will show this blog to anyone because I am pretty sure I'm going to write down about life which is sometimes messy. There are some thing you should probably know about me before I start this crazy adventure.
1.) I am a freshman in college
2.) I have the weirdest outlook on life because half the time I am very happy (or at least pretending to be) and half the time I am a emotional wreck.
3.) I don't date (I'll explain this later)
4.) I enjoy drinking tea, watching netflix, and reading a good book
5.) I love quotes, if it was up to me I would tattoo my entire body with quote right now I just have a wall of them.
6.) Speaking of tattoos I have one and I love it
7.) I have anxiety and one of my triggers is high school which sounds really weird but it makes sense
Alright well here's to me broadcasting my thoughts on the internet I hope you enjoy! Here goes something...